I want to write what is within my heart. Currently, I'm seriously learning how to surrender to life and truly love it as it is (as opposed to filling it with busy distractions). I thought I wanted to have a business to help people so I spent years taking classes, making a website, and writing social media posts. I discovered all along I had been running away from the life that had been handed to me on a silver plate: the life of being a stay at home mother, home school teacher, gardener, and cook for the family.
I had been unconsciously trying to distract myself from the dissatisfaction I felt in my role at home. Being a mother was never something I dreamed about as a young person. I always envisioned myself traveling the world or being a professional in the science field. When motherhood arrived I panicked. I literally didn’t sleep the first month my son was born out of sheer anxiety. I had no clue how to handle this role.
By the time my son was 2 years old, I found myself looking outside my home life for fulfillment and began the many years of classes to find my purpose or calling in the world. I really enjoyed studying about yoga, Ayurveda, meditation, energy healing, and nature connection. Being a student seemed to come more easily than being a mother. Luckily, I was on a deep spiritual growth process during those years, which allowed me to grow tremendously. I began to enjoy motherhood when my son was about 4. We could have more conversations and do more fun activities together (as opposed to constantly trying to console his crying or helping him fall asleep). Yet I still was obsessed with having a business and spent excessive time trying to make it work. I even took a 9 month purpose driven business course to aid me. It did give me some clarity, but I still felt like something was missing and I had to figure it out how I was going to make a difference in the world.
Finally, last August a new shift occurred. My desire to accept my life as it is arrived. I began to realize that my search for my purpose in the world was taking me away from my actual purpose that was right in front of me all along: my family, my son, my health and my own spiritual growth. So I let go of the trying and began to simplify my life. I started to focus on bringing balance to my life each day. I created more time for cleaning the house, exercising, and free time, which hadn't been happening for years because I was too busy making Instagram reels. I even gave up posting on social media and eventually deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps from my phone Boy, what a huge shift that has been to be free from the world of online chatter.
Now I fill the gaps in my life with silence, heart space, noticing the beauty in nature, or my breath. I've discovered that I love my life and found fulfillment in my role at home with my family. I'm truly embracing my life each day. And rather than trying to figure out how to be successful, get clients, or make money I'm surrendering to the divine and trusting that the cards I've been dealt are here for a reason. I'm trusting to stop trying to control my life and welcome the gifts around and the challenges as opportunities for growth.
Now, 6 months after this huge realization, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching about what I truly desire in my life. I'm getting in touch with my higher self through writing every day. I've discovered that I do have a desire to bring people together in nature, in silence, in meditation, and in heart space to discover some truths about who they are without other books or experts telling us what to think.
Being in nature has truly helped me gain a deep silence in my mind. The thoughts have lessened a lot over the past 4 years or so of simply listening and being present. I'm so grateful for that wisdom I've gained. It's what I've been searching for all along: access to my own wisdom, to learn the truth of who I am, find deep peace, and develop my creativity. So I'd like to share more from time to time about what my process has been in finding my path. It hasn't been easy, but looking back it all makes sense. I'm truly grateful for my life and the things I've learned along the way and I know there's more to come. I look forward to the magic and mysteries unfolding with each moment.